Football People on TV: Alan Shearer

John Nicholson and Alan Tyers turn their attention to Alan Shearer, BBC Big Beast, Barclays ticket delivery boy and all-round football leg end Fashion Police All sharp, fitted shirts and dad trousers, Big Wor Sir Al dresses like the sort of 40-something bloke who would give a disrespectful youngster a proper tune up outside a nightclub called Martinis. Shirts manage that special trick of looking both very expensive and kind of cheap. Looks disdainfully on men who dress in clothes that suggest a creative spirit. Anyone in a brightly patterned shirt at a golf club can expect a stern rebuke from Alan. Low slung trousers drive him to barely suppressed rage. Has had little hair for 20 years, which is obviously a highly amusing thing, to Alan. Lingo Bingo Most people from the Newcastle area are regarded as chipper sorts, and generally get a bit patronised. Call centres, for instance, are often in the North East partly because studies show that customers respond positively to people with those sort of accents. The town is after all, full of comely ladies with those warbly voices which make even innocuous statements sound like an invitation to a wild sex party. But none of this loveliness has rubbed off on Wor Al, whose tone is the very definition of the low hum of monotony. His Barclays voice-over ads reaching a nadir of inexpressive droning. Hits & Misses Was for a long time a serial offender on the "Say What You See" school of punditry. Also made it very clear that learning about Foreigns, or attempting tactical analysis, was for nerds and weeds. Said that nobody knew much about Ben Arfa, despite the fact that the player was a French international. His argument against using video technology "we'd have nothing to talk about in the pub afterwards" still causes this column to grind its teeth every now and again. All that said, he has begun to make more
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